


if he were dead

by protectoroffaeries



Series: they think me macbeth [7]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Anger, Dueling, F/F, F/M, Family, Implied Relationships, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, References to Macbeth, Stars, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 09:38:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10964586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectoroffaeries/pseuds/protectoroffaeries
Summary: "If he were dead, you'd weep for him."





	if he were dead

**Author's Note:**

> this one was a little difficult for me, and as such it ended up a little more... abstract?

Philip enjoys his father's war stories. They are full of action and glory, but also death and loss, plus the heaviness goes with them both. He learns much more from them than he thought, mostly regarding the deep bonds that tie men together. There is no one his father had a deeper bond with than John Laurens, and this simple fact is something that Philip and all his siblings after him learned very early into their father's tales.

It is Ange who asks, eventually. She's always been quicker than Philip, though no one will acknowledge that. It isn't proper, for a little sister to be brighter than her brother. He thinks that is a shame because were she a son, she could be as great as their father, or perhaps moreso. But anyhow, it’s Ange who asks if they will ever meet John Laurens.

Father goes so quiet that he forgets to tell them  _ no. _

~

The rumors buzz all around Philip when his father releases The Reynolds Pamphlet. Everyone has some vile commentary to add about  _ his _ family, like any of them know a damn thing about the Hamiltons. It takes every ounce of willpower he can dredge from the depths of his being to keep his mouth shut. Righting the record would be wronging his parents.

Righting the record would involve revealing more dastardly secrets, one that would throw their ruined lives into complete and utter shambles. Philip cannot, will not, do that to his parents or siblings.

_ But  _ there is nothing wrong with his parents. They love each other. So what if Mother has affections for a young woman in red? So what if Father loved a young man in blue? Philip thinks the true sin here is that healthy love is a worse truth than the secrets and heartbreak that would make an affair.

_ Committed,  _ his father says, and he means not in love but in insanity.

Ange tells him not think of it, which is such sweet irony, because the permanent frown carved stone upon her face tells him that she can think of nothing else.

~

Philip is  _ angry. _

This is nothing new; there is plenty in this Godforsaken world to be angry about. It's not the whispers that are bothering him today, nor the injustice, although both boil beneath his skin, warming him from the inside out until he thinks he may catch fire. But no, not today, today is much smaller, and yet bigger, because  _ how dare  _ George  _ fucking  _ Eacker say a word about his father. After everything his father's done for this country, after everything he's sacrificed?

Philip won't stand for it.

~

Father gives him two pistols, but he says not to shoot. Philip trusts his father, he does, but he can't be certain that he will take that advice when it comes down to Eacker aiming a gun at him and squeezing the trigger. He's only nineteen, and he does not want to die.

Ange tells him not to do it, not to duel Eacker, but Philip calls her a foolish  _ girl,  _ and she leaves him alone to make his own  _ stupid _ decisions. That gets him angry again,  _ she  _ gets him angry, like she knows anything at all - and can Ange not see that the world is a cruel and unfair place? The only way to put them all on the same ground is to take up arms. After all,every man's equal in death, no matter how fancy his tombstone.

Philip does not want to die himself, but he wants Eacker to go straight to Hell.

(That is the last conversation he has with Ange, the one where he insults her. He never so much as sees her again.)

~

“Why are you upset, little one?” Mother asks one night when she comes to tuck him into bed. Philip is only four or five years old, and he's standing at the window, staring up at the sky with furious tears streaking down his cheeks. Years and years later, he cannot say what truly upset him that night, but he knows how he responded to his dear Mother.

“The stars, Mama. I hate them.”

Mother hushes him and pulls him from the window. She holds him and sings him lullabies until his fury at the twinkling lights far above and beyond his control fades. Just for a moment.

She's a fantastic woman, his mother. Philip regrets all the times he makes her weep, and all the times she'll never be able to weep for.

~

It is cold in November, when Philip finally meets Eacker on the dueling grounds at Weehawken. The icy wind tosses his curls against his cheeks, and he has to pull it back out of his face. That leaves his ears to freeze, but such is life.

Richard and Eacker’s second count out the ten paces. It's hard to hear them over the wind. Are they on seven or-?

A gunshot rings out, loud and not, and then Philip feels a flash of heat, and he's on fire, he's  _ burning, _ and all the anger is the kindling, up in smoke in a few moment's time. He looks down and sees the blood seeping into his clothes, dark red like spilt wine. He falls.

Another gun fires. Is it his? There is a flash of blue beside him. But Richard is wearing black, so who could it be?

Everything grows dull and dark rather quickly after that.

~

_ “Philip,” a voice whispers, sounding familiar and foreign all at once. Something shakes him. _

_ “Not now, Pops.” _

_ “I'm not your father, Philip,” says the voice, and Philip cracks open an eye. The light is blinding, but he can make out the shape of a man bending toward him. _

_ Blue. _

_ “Who are you?” _

_ “My name is John,” says the man, says John  _ Laurens,  _ and his tone is too light for the gravity of the situation, but Philip knows. _

_ Philip knows he's dead.  _


End file.
